tango: walk this way

(note: this is my opinion of how things should work, take it with a grain of salt. when applied, your milage may vary!)

She walks into the room, kisses and hugs her friends on her way to putting down her shoe bag, and then finding her seat to put on her shoes. She’s looking quite lovely tonight. It seems like she’s kissing and hugging everyone in the room for cryin’ out loud. Finally she finds a half a chair at the crowded milonga tonight, and slips off her street shoes into what appear to be brand new Comme Il Fauts, all sparkly and shiny new, and just as she finishes her right shoe, she looks up and is immediately whisked away out of her chair. One tanda, two tandas, three tandas, she comes off the floor to get some water, and no sooner does her foot hit the carpet, when another lead takes her by the hand, and off they go, one tanda, two tandas, and off the floor to head for water, and a chair! She’s looking a little disheveled after that last leader. He was a bit rough on her, but she smiled through it, he had some nice qualities. She sits for the first time in 45 minutes, drinking her water, and finally catching up with a friend. Legs crossed, and eyeing the room, and avoiding it at the same time.

Gentlemen, how do you ask her for dance ?

Well to be honest with you there are many ways of asking a woman to dance as there are stars in the sky, and they all basically involve the same thing. But in tango there are some rules of the road as to how you do and don’t do that. Things to keep in mind. So before we get to the HOW part, there are a few things we have to review first, such as 9 don’ts and 5 do’s.

Nine Don’ts!

1.) Do not walk up to her and extend your hand and expect to get a dance!
2.) Do not stalk her around the room.
3.) Do not cross a dance floor to get to her.
4.) Do not walk up to her, stop 5 feet from her, and THEN Cabeceo her!
5.) Do not VERBALLY ask her for a dance (there are exceptions to this).
6.) Do not stand outside the ladies room and get her as she’s coming out. (can you say “awwwwkward!” ?)
7.) Do not sit 2 chairs away from her ‘eyeing’ her and expect her to dance with you. (“creeeeepy!” ewwww!)
8.) Do not come up BEHIND her and tap her on the shoulder.
9.) Do not sit down next to her and then out of the blue ask her to dance.

Five Do’s!

1.) Make certain that you are reasonably dry, and not dripping sweat.

Nobody really likes to bathe in sweat, so for this reason always, always have a change of shirt if you’re the profusely sweaty kind of man. Think of it this way, do you want to go home smelling of perfume ? Probably not. Well then she has absolutely ZERO desire to go home smelling like a gym locker! So keep the sweat to an absolute minimum.

2.) Have a pleasant ‘odor’ to you.

This doesn’t mean aftershave but some deodorant is a good choice. Preferably one that doesn’t REEK!

3.) Make certain you are well manicured.

This means that your nails are clipped, hands washed, or cleaned with soap BEFORE you dance with her!

4.) Have pleasant breath.

Two words for you: BREATH MINTS. Need I say more ?

5.) Get a towel or something to use as a handkerchief!

Place it in your suit coat jacket as you’re dancing, or in back right pocket, and at the end of each song, wipe the sweat from your hands, and from your neck and head. Keep your sweat to yourself…let’s not share it, shall we ?

Ok, so now that we’ve read you the riot act about what to do, and how not to engage her…can you ask her for a dance yet ? Well no, not quite.

I strongly suggest you actually LISTEN to the music that you are asking her to dance to BEFORE you ask her to dance. I mean that just because there is music playing, its actually rather helpful for you to have some understanding of what you’re listening to, and then ‘dancing’ to. Far too often men wander around the floor, no where close to the walking beat of the music. They think or believe that they need vocabulary to keep her entertained to ‘dance’ with her. This is NOT true. The thing you need to do, is walk her on the beat. Your mind in her feet. Which means that I don’t care what your feet are doing…what I care about is what her feet are doing, her feet are the metronome by which you dance. She’s the timekeeper her. She’s also the reflection of your ability to keep time. So for every beat in the music, her feet should be on the floor. It also helps if you can keep time in the music. If you think you can do that, I’ll bet you that you can’t. Far too often on a social dance floor I see, ‘wandering’ off the beat or something not even close to a beat. For help on finding the beat, see my previous article on how to hit the upbeat! It goes into finding the downbeat as well, which is what you want to walk on!

While its a little late to be thinking of private lessons at a milonga, but I do strongly suggest private lessons BEFORE you go out social dancing, and what you want to focus on is your embrace, posture, and walk. No, seriously. Not kidding about this one. Its not about the steps and the patterns, its just not. I know you think you can ‘dance’, I know you believe that you’ve taken a few classes with (fill in the blank), and they’ve pronounced you ‘passable’, or taught you some really cool and fancy moves that god him/herself would deem as ‘Yup! that’s pretty cool!”. The fact is, that your embrace is more than likely the source of half of your issues with followers. I am almost willing to bet its like a vice grip and that you just don’t realize it. I’ll go out on a limb here and even go so far as to say that perhaps you use your left arm as a metronome (bouncing up and down in time to the music), and/or on top of that, you’ve been told that you must have ‘resistance’ from her, she has to push into your hand, otherwise she’s just not doing it right. Am I Right ? There are some teachers that teach this, and there some are some of us that don’t. Some of us, actually engage in a conversation, and some of us, well…let’s just say its a monologue and leave it at that. Which is to say that most men, when they have the tables turned on them and their own embrace type and ‘style’ is mirrored back to them…they never want to do that again, ever. What we’re wanting is ‘intention’ based dancing. You think, she goes. Not…you PUSH or PULL and she goes! Imagine a ballon floating in front of you, now exhale…what happens to the ballon ? It floats away from you. Same thing here. You do not want to use your arms, or your hands, but rather your ‘core’ to SUGGEST movement. And speaking of core motions, this requires a ‘clean’ posture. That means being upright and not taking your chest away from your follower, among…..

“Ummm Miles ?”

Yes, is there a question ?

“Ummm, while I appreciate all this wonderful knowledge you’re spouting, but how on earth does this have anything to do with ASKING a WOMAN to DANCE ? I mean don’t get me wrong, Im sure this is all valid to someone, somewhere…and while you’re belaboring the point…ok I need to get some privates, I just don’t get why you’re going on and on and on about this noise! Look dude, how do I ask her to dance ?”.

(smile)

Well, ahem…ummmm, let’s see now. Do you own a house, or live under some kind of a roof ?

“Yes. I have an apartment in the city”.

Good. What would happen if say, tomorrow morning, you awoke to find that half of your building had crumbled away in the night, so that from your bedroom, what’s left of it, you can now see the apartments above and below you and you now have a lovely vista of the rest of your city ? Would that be good ?

“Well the view would be nice, especially since there’s the hottie in 9A…, but ummm no!”

There’s a reason your apartment building crumbled over night. And that’s because the guy who built your building, his ‘foundation’ was poorly constructed, so much so that it literally eroded and the building collapsed in around it! That building is your dance, and that foundation, is your embrace, your posture, and your walk! Get the them cleaned up, reinforced, and made clear, and your dance won’t collapse around you in the first 3 steps! Because that’s exactly what will happen, if you’re not careful, especially with a more advanced and talented follower!

Enough preaching, this article was supposed to be about HOW TO ASK HER FOR A DANCE. And it is. But first, its about creating the right conditions for you to actually be able to dance with her once you actually get the dance. What you’re doing is creating the right ground work so that you have a successful tanda BEFORE asking her to dance!

Now to the QUESTION: HOW ????

The right and proper way to ask her for a dance is to stand or sit approx. 30 to 40 ft from her, and make concerted, direct eye contact with her. Its her choice at that point to accept or deny your invitation. Give her lots of space my friend. This is elegance in practice. There is a code of operation here and you want use it. Now mind you, sometimes its a little dark in these rooms, and the milonga organizer just doesn’t set up the room in such a way that you can actually send a cabeceo and actually have it seen. In BsAs its a little challenging in some rooms…but it does work.

What we’re looking for is this:

Understand something else, that if she says “NO”, that does not mean that you get up from your chair, and walk over to her and perform one of the 9 don’ts. No, no, no! Bad form. You simply move onto the next follower that you want to dance with. “NO” means “NO”. It unfortunately means NOT EVER, IN THIS LIFETIME. DON’T EVEN THINK IT! Now to be fair, that’s not entirely true, “NO” sometimes means NOT RIGHT NOW. How do you know the difference ? You don’t! Again, her call my friend, not yours. You’ve made your interest known at this point….move on. She’ll either pick up the ball later, or not. However, don’t sit there and be all mister pouty face, that’s not going to get you anywhere! This also means don’t ask again that night, again, at all. That also means that you don’t eyeball her all night long either! Once and let it go. Got it ? Trust me, she got the message.

Ok, now for a few exceptions to the rules.

1.) There are women out there, that a.) can’t see that well 10 feet in front of them, (furthermore neither can you my friend!) and/or b.) Do NOT understand what cabeceo is and how it works. I’ve heard stories of women that go to BsAs and don’t get that men are literally throwing spears at them in terms of cabeceo, and are completely oblivious to the practice, and yet when you ask them later, they’re like “Huh ???? What ? Cappa-what ?”. I’ve seen it happen, been party to it, and not surprised by it, its just a lack of understanding of the codigos and in some cases socially deliberate to feign ignorance. How do you know the difference ? You don’t. You have to take people at the word until proven otherwise. Which is to say, if she declines your invitation, and then accepts someone else’s and then later on claims to be ignorant of the codigos…draw your own conclusions from there. To be fair there are some men who will not take ‘no’ as an answer, and will walk across the floor and extend their hands to her and get ‘the’ dance. Think nothing of it. Let’s just say that if you watch her face while she’s dancing with him, that should tell you everything you need to know about what she’s enduring at that juncture!

2.) If you know her FAIRLY well, are on better than speaking terms with her, and have hung out with her, then you can verbally ask her for a dance.

3.) If you’ve just been introduced to her, you can verbally ask her for a dance right then and there.

4.) If you’ve been seated at her table (Mostly for BsAs folks), you can ask her for a dance, and truth be told I believe you’re expected to dance at least ONE tanda with her, it would be rude not to do so. There are even exceptions to this ‘suggestion’.

5.) If you have a friend that knows her fairly well, you can ask for an introduction but that’s about it, and then employ rule #2.

Having said all of that….breathe, smile, cabeceo. See what happens!

[note: this is a companion piece to "Asking a Man To Dance"]

First things first, I am not a woman (contrary to popular belief), so take this with a grain of salt from a male teacher’s point of view.  I do speak from a man’s point of viiew, however I do TEACH from a FOLLOWER’S PERSPECTIVE.  While I dance with leaders all the time, and I train them to dance and to dance well, I can’t know every nuance there is to saying ‘no thank you’ to a man.   However, there are some tried and true methods to doing that.  This bit of information is not about how to say ‘No Thank You’ to a leader that can’t take a hint.  It’s about when you’re dancing with a leader who’s being, shall we say, ‘rough’ with you, how you would handle that.

Secondly, I am at the same time speaking from a lot of personal experience on and off the floor.

Lastly, again, take this with a grain of salt, use to measure, your mileage may vary!

There are 4 steps to saying “ENOUGH”.  However, before we get there, there are some things that we have to do set this up, to qualify some terms and to make sure we’re talking about the same things.  This post is mainly for women, but the men should be reading this as well because if you’ve had this happen to you, then there are some things you need to know.   Not about why it happened, but to identify it in your mind as an “ooops” that’s a warning sign and you should probably get yourself into some private lessons!  To be clear leaders, when these things happen, and you go get yourself some private lessons the things you want to work on are Navigational Skills, SOFT Close Embrace, and Intention Based Dancing.  And the people you want to study with are generally the more respected FEMALE teachers in town.  You should not be working on anything more than your walk and your embrace.  If they’re teaching you steps and patterns, then get out fast.  This is not about vocabulary, steps, patterns, and figures.  This is a matter of slowing down, and hearing your partner, listening to what you have led, and engaging in a physical conversation with your follower.  Leaders, also take to heart, that ONE private lesson is NOT going to do it for you.  Set up a minimum of 3 lessons!

So without further adieu….

Ladies, if you’ve had a leader who uses his right arm as:

1.) a vice grip around your back, literally squeezing the life out of you. (this would be TOOO MUCH compression)
2.) a python eating its last meal.
3.) a paddle to tell you which way to go.
4.) as a way to stop your motion and contain you with strength, yet asks you to counter that motion.

or, sadly…

5.) as a way to inappropriately touch your breasts, deliberately.

Ladies, if you’ve had a leader who uses his left as:

1.) a way to keep time to the music…its a metronome!
2.) a way to steer you, pushes you with his left.
3.) a method of ‘engaging’ you…better known as the fallacy of ‘resistance’.  (there is a good form of engagement, and that’s not what I’m on about)
4.) a method of gripping your right hand like he would grabbing a slippery fish and holding on to it.
5.) steel pole bent at an angle just for show.

Ladies, if you’ve had a leader that walks with you so that:

1.) every step he’s driving your feet into the ground.
2.) each motion is a new sensation of pain.
3.) an envisioning of visiting your chiropractor the following morning.
4.) he uses the same vocabulary over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over….again.
5.) he has a fetish with (fill in the blank) vocabulary.

Ladies, if you have a leader that seems or is:

1.) unsafe to dance with.
2.) looks painful to dance with.
3.) you hear other women complaining about his lead.
4.) grinding his hips into you in an inappropriate manner continuously.  (let me address this a little more clearly so that the men don’t come after me with hunting knives. Look, men are men, and they can generally keep their peni in their pants, however, sometimes their bodies do get the better of them and well they go a little off the deep end.  It is NOT intentional in 99% of cases. But we do get over it quickly and move on to other things.  Its that 1% of the time where you have to be aware of and careful with…because this is a creepy mother***** and he’s got one thing on his mind, and its you in a compromising position, its THAT guy I am talking about here.  He’s got a history of grinding up on women, and you’ve talked about it with your girlfriends, he’s got an eye for the younger ladies in the room and you all know it.  That’s the guy I’m talking about!)

Or any of these above in concert with multiple items….minus hygiene issues, then here is what I want you to do.

Step One: “Something Can Be Done About This ?”.

This first step is a physical readjustment of your embrace away from his body, disengaging the embrace in a grandios manner, moving you away from his embrace.  When this happens, I like to take my left arm away from his body and raise it up over my head and behind my body, and then SLOWLY (this is the important part) place it back where it was.  You’re doing this to make it so obvious to him that he can’t possibly mistake it for anything else.  Its best if you don’t employ this method in time to the music, if done outside of the timing of the music it forces him to a.) stumble a bit, and bit really pay attention to what the hell he’s actually leading!  Another idea along the same lines is to wriggle your body a bit and to disengage from the embrace and move your body away from him.   Now for any experienced leader, this should be enough to get the hint that something isn’t quite right and he may wish to readjust and make things softer for you.  However he’s not going to know that because of the codigos of the dance.  So you’re telling him in no uncertain terms, “DUDE!  THAT ****ING HURTS!  STOP DOING THAT!”.  But you’re doing it in such a way that its kinesthetic, not verbal.  Do this THREE times in the span of a minute, and then if he doesn’t get it….we move to STEP TWO!

Step Two: Raising Your ‘Voice’.

There is nothing wrong with using your voice in the middle of a dance, if his embrace or what he’s doing is causing you pain.  However, due to the codigos of the dance, there are certain things you should not do.  1.) yell in his ear. or 2.) speak loud enough so that other couples can hear you.  Here is what you might want to say, “Ummm dear, I do enjoy dancing with you, but your _________ is causing me a bit of pain”.  In an ideal world you’d want to say that to him, however, we have to tell a tiny little white lie here and modify that statement a bit.  ”Ummm dear I love dancing with you but I have a ________ (sunburn, bone spur, broken rib that you just caused…etc) and I’d really appreciate it if you go easy on me right now, thanks lamb chop!”.  Done this way, it doesn’t invite conversation, and gets him to realize that he needs to be a lot more gentle with you!  Done the first way, unmodified, it will incite conversation and we don’t want that.  You do not discuss vocabulary, you do not criticize his dancing, and you do not discuss particulars.  You make it vague enough that he loosens up and it stays that way.  You may have to remind him of this with an occasional ‘ouch’, grimace, or wriggle here and there.  If this fails…. we move on to STEP THREE.

Step Three: One, Two, Three.

This is where we employ steps 1 and 2 at the same time.  Pretty simple.  Right ?  Only this time, we do actually raise our voice as a reminder and using shorter language.  ”Dude! That ****ing hurts, please stop doing that!”, or “OW! Jesus H. Christ are you a ****ing idiot, I said I had a sunburn!” I know that’s what you want to say, but again, unfortunately, you can’t.  We don’t use that language, but you are allowed to put your suggestion succinctly and clearly so that he gets the message and at the same time you’re dropping the embrace entirely.  Once dancing starts again AND if he continues AND this message has clearly failed…we move to STEP FOUR.

Step Four: The ‘Nuclear‘ Option!

Before we employ this 4th step.  Be aware that you can opt out and wait until the END of the current song to say “Thank you”, and then walk off the floor in the middle of a tanda.  You’d be saving his face, and yours.  It happens, sometimes there’s just a tango mismatch.  There is no rule that says that you have to dance an entire tanda with someone, but its generally done that when you accept a dance from a leader you’re accepting for 3 songs by the same orchestra or for however long the tanda is going to be.  So saying “thank you” at any of the breaks between songs with an “excuse me” in there some where will generally do for most socially acceptable leaders.  It saves face and makes it possible to live and dance again with others in a small community.

This 4th option, however, is a last resort.  I mean this.  Its an absolute LAST OPTION, you use this option VERY SPARINGLY,  (note the bold and the italics for emphasis here) and only under the direst of circumstances.  Let me define DIRE here, so that we’re clear: Dire would mean -> so much physical pain that your veins are going to burst from the physical compression; so much spinal or skeletal pain that you can not stand it one more second. Do not use this option simply because you don’t like his breath or the way he smells.  That’s not acceptable here.  No, this option is used to save your back, bones, and body for later and only under physical duress that you can not endure any longer!  Look, there are some leaders out there that just can’t quite take a hint, and you’ve just given them 3 of them, which they’re clearly NOT hearing.  So this last option is for them, which is why its called The ‘Nuclear‘ Option, because once done, its effect is akin to a nuclear bomb going off in a confined space.

Let me stress again, this is a final option and once done can not be undone with an apology.  You’re going to do something so technically vile that it will send a message throughout the entire room, and everyone will see it and talk about it.  Furthermore this option has the added bonus of being very shameful to the recipient.  So again, you use this option VERY VERY VERY sparingly.  I mention this option here because I have had this done to me early on and in my case, it had a very beneficial effect.  But that’s for another time.

In short here is what you do: Drop the embrace, turn on your heel, and walk off the dance floor in the MIDDLE of the song!  Do not engage in conversation, do not invite a discussion, Do not pass go, Do Not Collect 200.00 dollars (although you should for the chiropractic bill you’re going to get), just TURN and WALK OFF THE FLOOR!  Then: Go to your seat and take off your shoes OR more effectively go to the bathroom and hide out for a bit.  Then go back out to your seat or go find a girlfriend to chat with.   One last caveat about this option, you may engage in a conversation with this leader OFF the dance floor, outside, away from the milonga, after the milonga is over, but never ON A SOCIAL DANCE FLOOR…EVER!

Leaders Note:  if you’ve had this happen to you, you have my deepest sympathies really you do.  However, she’s just given you a wonderful gift, and you have to look at it like that.  Its going to be a huge ‘ouch’, but its a gift wrapped in a “holy shit that ****ing hurts!”.  Nobody likes to be left at the alter and that’s exactly what she’s done to you.  So you’re going to feel shunned and hurt.  Dude.  Get over it.  This is an indicator that you need help and she’s just told you in no uncertain terms that you need to go check your shit.  Got it ?  She’s not crazy, she’s not a bitch, she’s not evil.  She’s telling you that your embrace is painful or you are causing her pain.  Get it ?  Now go follow my advice from above!

Follower’s Note: Be kind.  People are going to talk.  And here is how you respond to them when they ask questions, “He was holding me a little too tightly, that’s all, I just needed some air.”  And leave it at that.

The Last Word.

Look these are ideas for you to use, guidelines.  I have a strong preference that you not use them with my name attached, “Well Miles Tangos said that I should….”.  No, take ownership and tailor them to your situation, and make them your own.  And again, use your utmost angelic judgement here, because as some of us know…dancing in a small town has its detracting factors, a small pool of available dancers, poor navigation skills, creepy guys that can’t or won’t take a hint…the list is long.  But for all of those things…small towns also have something over larger cities, and that is a sense of belonging to a community, a group of people that enjoy and love the dance as much as you do.  So keep that in mind, but above all else, you must take care of your body!

For those of you who are just arriving at the party…or even if you’ve been dancing a while…or if you’ve come to the party from another dance, the question usually comes up, “How do you ask a man to dance in Tango ?”. In Ballroom, or Salsa, you just ask. Tango is another, seemingly, confusing ball of wax entirely! How do you? Well, that’s what this guide is all about, a safe, and tango correct way of going about the process that offends no one, and furthermore actually helps you to dance more frequently!

Let’s get a few things out of the way, almost immediately….

1.) There is nothing wrong with asking a man to dance, in the United States. Everywhere else, it’s a little different. However, ladies you must understand that doing so anywhere will not get you the desired results that you’re looking for. The reason is because so many of the leaders adhere to one of several codigos (codes of the dance). So for that reason, TRY NOT TO VERBALLY ASK A MAN TO DANCE (there is an exception to this rule)! Otherwise, I swear to sunny jesus, you’re going to sit all night long. You will be punished, and you will not dance again. I am not kidding. There are some men that take it upon themselves to be somewhat catty about your dancing future. At the same time, there are some men that actually appreciate a women when she asks, however those are few and far between. So if in doubt, just don’t! Again there is an exception! Me, personally I like it when a woman asks me, so go right ahead…however be prepared to be rejected, if I’m tired or not feelin’ the love right then.

2.) A woman’s role in the dance has traditionally been to be the ‘follower’, and while I detest the use of this word…’Submissive’.  In any other dance, especially in the United States, she’s trained to be an active participant–this is not so in tango. It wasn’t until very recently, and we’re talking up until about 20 years ago and even that’s a stretch, that the dance has started to relax some of its codigos, but this one, unfortunately or fortunately (depending on your point of view) is not going away any time soon.

3.) Understand that while you are asking someone to dance, or wanting to dance with someone, they are NOT obligated to accept your dance. As a matter of fact, the better the lead, the less inclined he is to dance with you. And while you may not understand this now, you will later. The fact is that tango requires that the dancing pair be very skilled in a variety of areas, not the least of which is body kinesthetics, the vocabulary of the dance, the vocabulary of a particular style or ‘flavor’ of the dance, the music!!!!, and a host of other factors like for example, a deftness of touch that far exceeds what you believe possible, a level of kinesthetic movement that is far more subtle than you will ever experience in any other dance, and a level of technique and attention to detail that is absolutely insane on the surface. Having said that…the truth is that you are painful to dance with right now. It doesn’t matter how pretty you are, and/or what you are wearing, and those nice ‘tango’ shoes that you just bought are virtually worthless! This is not to put you in your place, or to make you feel bad about yourself, or to elevate the leaders in the room to god like status, their egos are big enough as it is. Most followers, unless they’ve led, will not understand what it takes to lead, conversely most leaders do not understand what it means to follow. I do. I am socially trained to dance both parts, and do quite frequently! I’ll give you an example of what I mean by ‘painful’:

Look, I am not a small man, but as a leader I know what it feels like to dance with a follower who is ‘heavy’ and I don’t mean her weight, although that is a factor sometimes. By ‘heavy’ I mean that she is literally leaning on me, and supporting herself with her arms hanging on me, instead of either a shared axis where we support each other (apillado), or on her own over her own pads of her own feet (vertical)! Also by ‘heavy’, I mean that she is either lifting up her feet as she walks backwards, and/or having me literally push her around. As a leader, I know what it means to dance with a follower who has not mastered her walk, where she wobbles, is highly unstable because she’s wearing heels and she hasn’t learned how to walk in yet. As a leader, I know what it feels like to have a follower who literally thumps when she walks, and uses me to hold her up! As a leader, I know what it means to have a follower literally hang on my left arm, and to use my right shoulder and neck in some cases, as a hitching post. As a follower, I know all of those things. I have learned to negate them, I have learned to negate my mass, I have learned how to walk and to walk well, I have learned how not to impinge on his lead in any way, shape or form. I frequently have leaders tell me that they are surprised that a.) I follow, b.) that I follow well, and c.) that I don’t feel like I look! I have worked very hard on creating this level of deftness in my following abilities, and that’s only because I know all too well what it feels like to be on the other side of that, and I don’t ever want to feel like that. To dance with a follower who does all of those things I describe, that is ‘painful’. I want my leader to feel as though it is effortless to dance with me! And that is what it should feel like when he dances with YOU. If that’s not happening, then you need some private lessons, not group classes, to fix the issue!

Because of this way of dancing, dancing with you is not exactly an easy task. As a matter of historical fact, its actually a chore. There’s a reason that some followers get all the dances in the room, and it sometimes has nothing to do with the way she looks, it has everything to do with HOW SHE FEELS to dance with! So if you’re sitting at a milonga and you’re wondering why Mary SoAndSo is getting all the dances, ask a few leaders why they enjoy dancing with her. It may be how she dresses, but I am willing to bet it’s because of how she feels, how she commits to the embrace and is VERY attentive! Don’t blame her, don’t shame her, applaud her for doing her homework!!!

Having said that, now on to HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DANCE and GET IT!

I advocate a 3 pronged “C” approach to the seemingly sticky wicket of ‘asking a man to dance’. There are codigos to consider here, and they’re all quite acceptable, and within the boundaries of the dance.

1.) Cabeceo. This is a socially acceptable way for a woman to ask a man to dance and no one need know that you’re doing it! If you don’t know what it is, in short, a Cabeceo is making direct and clear line of sight eye contact with an intended dancing partner while they are NOT dancing, and once contact is established, you indicate with a nod of your head or your eyebrows that you would like to dance with that person (note: walking up to someone and nodding your head, indicating you’d like a dance, is considered poor taste, this is better known as the “Stalker Cabeceo”).

2.) Conversate. Walk around a bit, at a milonga. Put your shoes on and walk around and engage people in conversation, not just the men…but the women too. However if you spot a leader that you’d like a dance with, engage him in a conversation. Here’s the trick, near the end of the conversation, employ the following line any way you’d like to word it: “At some point when you’re free LATER, I’d like to dance the LAST SONG of a tanda with you if you’re free!”. What you’re doing is indicating that you’re open to a dance with him LATER! Secondly, you’re also putting the onerous task of deciding WHEN that dance happens clearly in his lap. Notice you used the word “Later”, not “Tonight”. Later could mean a few weeks from now. The important part is that he’s clearly deciding IF and WHEN that dance happens, not YOU. And lastly note that its the LAST song of a tanda…not a full tanda! Why the last song ? Because if he doesn’t like dancing with you, he’s not obligated to go any further. But more than likely he will! Also note the last word, “FREE”. What you are doing is making it very clear that you are a last resort, when he thinks of it. Now here’s the hard part. Finish the conversation AND WALK AWAY! Do not look back, do not go bother him again. Move on to other people. Talk it up, girl.

3.) Circulate. That means to place yourself where EVERY leader can see you, typically on the corners of the room and change placements once every 30 minutes. Do not hide, do not sit slumped or hunched over–sit upright in the damned chair, legs crossed (show’m if you’ve got’m), head up, and SMILING! No one wants to dance with a FROWN. When you do get up and move, be VERY obvious about it. That means that as you are changing your placement and going to a new spot, smile, make eye contact with everyone as you do…don’t just look at the ground. This is work, girl, and it takes active work to do it well.

Now it goes without saying but I feel I must; you must do ALL of these things to have the desired affect you want…which is to dance consecutively all night long, preferably with the guys you want to dance with and not with the men that you don’t want to do dance with. However, doing this once and then stopping is not going to have the desired effect. It is cumulative! It also goes without saying that it helps to dress the part, meaning put on that slinky dress you’ve been dying to wear–you know the one that is skin tight in all the right areas…men do like curves…sadly, its a sad truism. But it does work to a limited degree, but not with the better dancers in the room, they really don’t care what you’re wearing, they only care about one thing: DANCING WELL!!!

It also goes without saying that this is ONLY 1 approach to getting the dances that you want. You must, must, must, IMPROVE YOUR DANCING TECHNIQUE RELIGIOUSLY. And going to group classes once a week is all fine and good, however, that’s not going to improve your abilities. What will improve them ? Private lessons on YOUR WALK and YOUR EMBRACE! LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE…AND MORE PRACTICE! I am NOT kidding. Every day. Not kidding. You must improve beyond just getting around the floor and not looking like an idiot! If you’re there to socially chat up your friends that’s one thing, and you should NOT expect to get the dances you’re wanting and this guide is nearly useless to you. However, if you are actively improving your dance, by practicing, taking lessons religiously, and traveling to OTHER CITIES to dance with OTHER PEOPLE on a regular basis, this is one of the only ways that your skills will leap frog over everyone else in the room! If you don’t practice, then you shouldn’t complain that you’re not getting the dances you want. If you don’t put in the time to improve, then you shouldn’t complain that soandso isn’t dancing with you. There’s a reason soandso isn’t dancing with you, its mostly and probably because you feel like a ton of bricks to dance with, and/or are highly unstable. As a side note, when I mirror back to my students what they feel like when they dance with me, their understanding of what they need to be doing goes right through the roof. My job as a teacher is show them wrong, and then show them how to improve it so that its ‘right’.

On the flip side, while the above may sound crass, and hard, and cold, the fact is that he’s no better, dear. He pushes, pulls, pokes, prods, can’t walk without wobbling, is unstable himself, teaches on a social dance floor, is sweaty, stinky, and more than likely has a vice grip of death for an embrace! Oh and my personal favorite, blames the follower for all of his screw ups, and what’s worse is that you’re complacent in his blame!

Also to be fair, even with private lessons, and getting your skill on right, does NOT mean that you’re going to get the dances you seek. The simple fact is that you may have eroded your community trust level and will have to work very hard to undo the damage. It takes time and patience to do that! So for those women, this is not a 3 pronged approach but a 4 pronged approach. Which includes a strict regime of working on your technique…religiously and then going out and proving it!

Lastly, there is a cumulative effect here, you must do all 3 of these things with 10 or 15 guys in a night, and you’ll almost NEVER sit at a milonga again! It takes time and concerted effort to do what I am suggesting, however, I’ve done this myself when I was out following socially ONLY, and I know many men and women use it, even on me, and it works. It takes time and dedication to get this to work, but it does work.

Now for a few addendum to this guide.

a.) Once you have the dance, and you’re enjoying dancing with someone, you can always ask for another WHILE YOU ARE ON THE FLOOR! Again, it’s his choice. There’s nothing wrong with this, anywhere in the world.

b.) If you know a leader, really, really, really well, you’ve dance with him a 100+ times or there abouts, there is nothing wrong with asking him outright. Again his choice. Familiarity has its perks.

c.) Regardless if he is busy or not, respect his space and his time.

That my dear ladies is HOW YOU ASK A MAN TO DANCE!

Good luck!

PS: There are some women that will radically agree with what I’ve written here, there are some who will vehemently disagree, and most, if not 90% of the men I know that dance socially as a leader only, will praise me for being so blunt and right on the money. One thing is clear, this is a hot topic, even in today’s world. I’d like to be clear on something else here, this topic is open for review at all times…its an ever changing perspective. Nothing in tango is a hard and fast rule…because tomorrow that rule may changed based on current conditions!